The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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