I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
