Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
