You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
