Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He passed out mid-signature
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
