I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
