i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
