I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
