oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
