So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
