Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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