i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
