my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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