dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
