My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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