Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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