last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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