We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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