How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
