Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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