Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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