I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
