How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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