I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I want a musical about memes.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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