last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
