you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
