im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
