It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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