I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
