I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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