I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
