your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
