I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
