We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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