The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
