It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
