a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
