i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
