He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
