New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
