No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I am one with the molecules
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
