i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
birth control should be required to get into college
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
