my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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