what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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