What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
