so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Alive.
So much puke
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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