Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
we're so committed to being not committed
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
