so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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