I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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