This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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